my will (v0.1)

I finally managed to write this post... and what a befitting time this is. 24 years of my life in this planet called Earth. This post has been in my mind for quite a while, yet I have never gotten down to starting it.

Oh shit... now that I have started writing, somehow I am feeling tired and a bit too lazy to continue. Well, its not like out of the blue, I have suicidal thoughts or anything. I'm feeling perfectly sane now, not emotional or anything... just a bit yawning and sleepy.

Hmmm... what was I gonna say? Basically, I have accepted death as a means to life. Yes, I mean dying, end of life. I don't have a religion or anything, so to me, death is just a termination of my existence, a point where I cease to exist anymore. Actually, it might be Heaven or Hell or reincarnation depending on which religion you believe, but basically it makes no difference to me.

Anyway, I digress again... but then I believe that life has no meaning in the eternity. As in, all living objects die. It is a necessary process for all, because death gives meaning to life. Just like the way black gives meaning to white in Zen. Without yang, there can be no ying. If a person is rich all his life, he does not know the meaning of being poor, he does not appreciate the neccessity of money. Happiness and sadness goes hand in hand too. Without sadness, we can never appreciate that we can be happy, because we experience the same happiness everyday, we cannot contrast the current state with another extreme. The same as in loss and gain. Giving and taking. Life and death.

Only by accepting death, can we truly enjoy life - that is what my belief is. I am not scared of death, of dying tomorrow, the day after, dying at the age of 30 due to cancer, at the age of 50 due to a heart attack, at the age of 24 due to a road accident. Of course, the instance of death is undesirable because of the pain, but then it is part of my acceptance. Everyday I live this life beyond death I promise myself to live to the fullest, to give the best that I want to give, because I can die anytime, anyway, anyhow. I love the people important to me, I try to give my best to the people who love me equally - my family, my friends, my girlfriend, my ex-girlfriends, the people I bump into, the people who need me.

I have lived a splendid life (so far - for the past tense), and for this I am grateful. In friendship, I have gained many good friends whom I can share anything with, good friends who I can trust whole-heartedly in. In family, I have gone past some ups and downs and understood everyone better, and the roles I can share in this family. In relationships, I am grateful to have fell in love deeply before and to be loved by somebody deeply before... I have seen much of the world as well, and travelled to many places - Malaysia, Thailand, Indonesia, Korea, Japan, HK, US, Australia, NZ... and tried many exciting sports and exotic stuff.

And my dreams... I've been truthful to myself in pursuing what I like and improving my Japanese, and moving one step at a time closer to working and living in Japan again. Again, because I've been able to go SEP once, on my own selfish whims... And then once again, this time... I want to allow myself a longer period of 3-5 years. Where I will earn and spend my own money, and live independently again. And this time... to see the seasons change colors... to see the green spring turn into golden maples, into shaved crowns, and covered with white snow blankets, and then the pink cherry blossoms. Death in life again.

Short evanescence is in the blooming of the pink sakura;
Hurried is in the transciency of its withering...
As such is the brilliance of the human life;
Only with the last fading whispers shall we remember its brilliance again...

But only in death is there meaning in life. I wrote this because I know that I will die someday, maybe tomorrow, August 20. Perhaps in my death there will be some tears shed, mayhap many tears shed... but then I know as you know as I learn that the earth revolves... We human of cognitive memory systems have the greatest gift of learning - of forgetting by wiping through the sands of time. Someday I will die, and those around to read and hear my will, I hope to "hear" and "see" you move on with your lives, meet new people and find happiness, to remember me once a while is enough. Cry all the pain of loss or whatever you want at my funeral, burn some AV porno magazines for me, pour some nice sake/vodka over my tombstone, and when you leave please remember to say something like "Fuck you, Lu ZhongWei!!! It was fun knowing you"