複雑関係

彼女というほど言えない

日本へいくから、君の世界には入ろうとしない
後一年行っちゃうから・・・

好きかと聞かれると、本当なのは、君のことをもっと知りたい
好きという訳ではないけど、傍にいる時、
嬉しくなれる、君と笑えられる

けど、僕たちは別々な世界に暮してる
いつか別れることになっちゃう
君が、それが良いとしても
俺は・・・

‘不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾今拥有’って言われても
俺は・・・

俺は、恋愛方法一つしか知らない、
それが、相手に捧げること
全ても、何もかも・・・

それ以外、恋愛とか思われへん
君の全てに成れないなら、それ、
“彼女”、口から言いにくい
言っちゃったら、嘘ついてるかな

その罪悪感、どっかで消せばいいだろう
君、傷付きたくない
例え君それがいいとしても・・・
例え一年の契約の“恋人”としても・・・

別れたほうがいいのかな

http://translate.google.com/translate?u=http%3A%2F%2Fshir0i.blogspot.com%2F2008%2F08%2Fblog-post_28.html&hl=en&ie=UTF-8&sl=ja&tl=en

happy birthday~

happy birthday~
wherever you are~
=)

Amendment Article A1

hmmm... wanted to write this article but suddenly emo.
Anyway if i enter a comatose state for more than 2 years, please cut my life support system and let me die.

If Singapore forbids this, then please fly me to Europe to 安乐死.




And then, after I die (in any circumstances), if possible, please scatter my ashes in three places:
家. Tanjong Rhu Cove - Where my home is for the first twenty years of my life
海. Rainbow Bridge, Odaiba - Into the wide and endless sea
空. Mountainous hills of Tibet/Nepal - At the point where the earth meets the sky

white clouds that knife through the blue sky

song:
http://www.imeem.com/02011212/music/aLKOVb9i/aikawa_nanase_blue_knife/

lyrics:
http://www.corichan.com/lyrics/albums/aikawananase-7seven.html#03

what is a favorite song? I guess its a song where one hasn't heard for a long time, and when one hears it again, one falls in love all over with it... with the melody, with the words...

(but then this is an emo. song if you read the lyrics... ><)

the birthday present

Now now... the dreaded day of the year is arriving soon... Going to be older again soon. Well, I suppose that there are a few quirks to this, perhaps receiving gifts is the best thing out of this day. Then again, there is also the possibility that I would not receive any gifts. No matter - I shall draft this "Top 10 gifts to buy me this year", and hope somebody reads it. Anyway, its not in any specific order.


S&K brownish shoulder bag
~$35


Long thermoflask from Ikea
(different color from zuzu)
~$15



$169 rocking chair from Ikea.



$30 shoes from CS Bata, size 7.

(<$30) Watch, brown strap/beige/silver combination (like the shoes) from the L3 watch shop at Bugis Junction / L2 watch shop at Vivocity.

(<$30) Swimming trunks, no fanciful design... Perhaps brown / green / gray / nice color except black. And trunks, not speedoes nor bikinis.

(<$40) Leather / PVC sling-bag for workplace. Brown / Black / Plain-but-not-so-plain / Rugged-look / Nice-delicious zips / Gleamy-shiny buckles / Fun-to-play-magnetic clasps

(<$25) Sunglasses / Dark pink-purple / Gold-rims-brown-lenses / no leopardy-stripes / no hot-red rims

my will (v0.1)

I finally managed to write this post... and what a befitting time this is. 24 years of my life in this planet called Earth. This post has been in my mind for quite a while, yet I have never gotten down to starting it.

Oh shit... now that I have started writing, somehow I am feeling tired and a bit too lazy to continue. Well, its not like out of the blue, I have suicidal thoughts or anything. I'm feeling perfectly sane now, not emotional or anything... just a bit yawning and sleepy.

Hmmm... what was I gonna say? Basically, I have accepted death as a means to life. Yes, I mean dying, end of life. I don't have a religion or anything, so to me, death is just a termination of my existence, a point where I cease to exist anymore. Actually, it might be Heaven or Hell or reincarnation depending on which religion you believe, but basically it makes no difference to me.

Anyway, I digress again... but then I believe that life has no meaning in the eternity. As in, all living objects die. It is a necessary process for all, because death gives meaning to life. Just like the way black gives meaning to white in Zen. Without yang, there can be no ying. If a person is rich all his life, he does not know the meaning of being poor, he does not appreciate the neccessity of money. Happiness and sadness goes hand in hand too. Without sadness, we can never appreciate that we can be happy, because we experience the same happiness everyday, we cannot contrast the current state with another extreme. The same as in loss and gain. Giving and taking. Life and death.

Only by accepting death, can we truly enjoy life - that is what my belief is. I am not scared of death, of dying tomorrow, the day after, dying at the age of 30 due to cancer, at the age of 50 due to a heart attack, at the age of 24 due to a road accident. Of course, the instance of death is undesirable because of the pain, but then it is part of my acceptance. Everyday I live this life beyond death I promise myself to live to the fullest, to give the best that I want to give, because I can die anytime, anyway, anyhow. I love the people important to me, I try to give my best to the people who love me equally - my family, my friends, my girlfriend, my ex-girlfriends, the people I bump into, the people who need me.

I have lived a splendid life (so far - for the past tense), and for this I am grateful. In friendship, I have gained many good friends whom I can share anything with, good friends who I can trust whole-heartedly in. In family, I have gone past some ups and downs and understood everyone better, and the roles I can share in this family. In relationships, I am grateful to have fell in love deeply before and to be loved by somebody deeply before... I have seen much of the world as well, and travelled to many places - Malaysia, Thailand, Indonesia, Korea, Japan, HK, US, Australia, NZ... and tried many exciting sports and exotic stuff.

And my dreams... I've been truthful to myself in pursuing what I like and improving my Japanese, and moving one step at a time closer to working and living in Japan again. Again, because I've been able to go SEP once, on my own selfish whims... And then once again, this time... I want to allow myself a longer period of 3-5 years. Where I will earn and spend my own money, and live independently again. And this time... to see the seasons change colors... to see the green spring turn into golden maples, into shaved crowns, and covered with white snow blankets, and then the pink cherry blossoms. Death in life again.

Short evanescence is in the blooming of the pink sakura;
Hurried is in the transciency of its withering...
As such is the brilliance of the human life;
Only with the last fading whispers shall we remember its brilliance again...

But only in death is there meaning in life. I wrote this because I know that I will die someday, maybe tomorrow, August 20. Perhaps in my death there will be some tears shed, mayhap many tears shed... but then I know as you know as I learn that the earth revolves... We human of cognitive memory systems have the greatest gift of learning - of forgetting by wiping through the sands of time. Someday I will die, and those around to read and hear my will, I hope to "hear" and "see" you move on with your lives, meet new people and find happiness, to remember me once a while is enough. Cry all the pain of loss or whatever you want at my funeral, burn some AV porno magazines for me, pour some nice sake/vodka over my tombstone, and when you leave please remember to say something like "Fuck you, Lu ZhongWei!!! It was fun knowing you"

笨笨

笨笨。。。对，我还是笨笨。。。

「そばにいるね」がないの「そばにいるよ」

it hurts everytime...
so u were the first to write on my wall... i've forgotten and now i've remembered

and the first post was written in B2 of computer centre @ Keio, Mita
miss u

过去让它过去

有多久没见你
以为你在那里
原来 就住在我的心底
陪伴着我的呼吸

有多远的距离
以为闻不到你的气息
谁知道你背影这么长
回头 就看到你

过去让它过去
来不及
从头喜欢你
白云缠绕着蓝天
如果
不能够永远都在一起
也至少给我们
怀念的勇气
拥抱的权利
好让你明白
我心动的痕迹

过去让它过去
来不及
从头喜欢你
白云缠绕着蓝天
如果
不能够永远都在一起
也至少给我们
怀念的勇气
拥抱的权利
好让你明白
我心动的痕迹

总是想再见你
还试着打探你的消息
原来
你就住在我的身体
守护我的回忆

８月２２日

http://www.imeem.com/boiar/music/UMlhUmtG/hirai_ken_canvas/

"Canvas" is how I loved you, and how I still love you in a tiny corner tucked away in my heart
And how I wish for you the best.

Upset

I am damn pissed off with myself right now.

The last time this happened was a few weeks ago, when I shouldn't have made arrangements so tight that I failed to keep my promises. When I treated someone carelessly. OK but that was over. It was all my fault, but thankfully that it is past now.

Today, I am damn pissed off again. I don't know how I managed to stay in track with myself, 9 hours and counting. Maybe it was shock. But I ain't gonna be shocked a second time. I am damn ashamed of myself today. I should have punched someone in the face, straight to the jaw. There wasn't any need for holding back.

I need some times to cool down man. I needs it badly.

Love And Marriage

PARTNERS AND MARRIAGE
By Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz

"I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. But I have seldom
met a man who didn't fear marriage. Something about the closure seems
constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for
what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within
our lives.

When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a
mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social
acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was
the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners
became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I
looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each
other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering and
could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate.

And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed
to glow in each other's presence. They seemed really in love, not just
dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other's foibles. It was
an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible.

How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness,
so much irritation at the other's habits? What keeps love alive in
them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less
love each other?

The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to
the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad
relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to
succeed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a
good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see
clearly in the early stages.

Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see
yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things
by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a
way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some
people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most
heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the
other side. This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded
hearts. Others deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to
know each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see
clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so
large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what
life would be like together.

The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long- time
friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get
to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see
each other at their worst and at their best. They share time together
before they get swept into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality.

This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spell
of your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it for
other keys to compatibility.

One of these is laughter. Laughter tells you how much you will enjoy
each other's company over the long term. If your laughter together is
good and healthy, and not at the expense of others, then you have a
healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is the child of surprise.
If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each other.
And if you can always surprise each other, you can always keep the
world around you new. Beware of a relationship in which there is no
laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based only on
seriousness have a tendency to turn sour. Over time, sharing a common
serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against those who do
not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship can become based
on being critical together.

After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way
you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see
their relationship as existing only in the space between the two of
them. They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming
power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As
the relationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important
again. If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you
can't accept, you will inevitably come to grief. Look at the way she
cares for others and deals with the daily affairs of life. If that
makes you love her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be
careful. If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world
around you, eventually the two of you will not respect each other.

Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live
on the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart
resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery
of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only
to the literal and the practical, you must take care that the distance
doesn't become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling
isolated and misunderstood.

There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We all
have unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not betray and
private commitments to a vision of life that we will not deny. If you
fall in love with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable parts of
you, or if you cannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselves
growing further apart until you live in separate worlds where you
share the business of life, but never touch each other where the heart
lives and dreams. From there it is only a small leap to the cataloging
of petty hurts and daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter
and unsatisfied with their mates.

So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a
partner with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage
can take place in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak
of a miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word. There is a
miracle in marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is
one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower.
The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love
becomes a child. We never question these, because we see them around
us every day. To us they are not miracles, though if we did not know
them they would be impossible to believe. Marriage is a transformation
we choose to make.

Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We
cannot know the flower that will blossom, but we can be sure that a
bloom will come. If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom
will be good. If you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the
bloom will be flawed. We are quite willing to accept the reality of
negative transformation in a marriage. It was negative transformation
that always had me terrified of the bitter marriages that I feared
when I was younger.

It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle that transformed
love into harshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to accept the
possibility that the first heat of love could be transformed into
something positive that was actually deeper and more meaningful than
the heat of fresh passion. All I could believe in was the power of
this passion and the fear that when it cooled I would be left with
something lesser and bitter. But there is positive transformation as
well. Like negative transformation, it results from a slow accretion
of little things. But instead of death by a thousand blows, it is
growth by a thousand touches of love. Two histories intermingle. Two
separate beings, two separate presence, two separate consciousnesses
come together and share a view of life that passes before them. They
remain separate, but they also become one.

There is an expansion of awareness, not a closure and a constriction,
as I had once feared. This is not to say that there is not tension and
there are not traps. Tension and traps are part of every choice of
life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple lovers. Each
choice contains within it the lingering doubt that the road not taken
somehow more fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to the
richness that it alone contains.

But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by
the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one.
Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of
shared company, but there is a specific gravity in the marriage
commitment that deepens that experience into something richer and more
complex. So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it
for the wrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it
the power of transformation.

If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you
are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the
endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen,
if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons
that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the
miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of a
marriage well made is worth your patience. When the time comes, a
thousand flowers will bloom... endlessly."

本日の思い

実はこれ以上何もいらないけど
それは幸せの基本かな

なるほど・・・

盧 (simplified 卢, pinyin lú (lu2), Wade-Giles lu2)
The mythical ancestor of the Lu family is Shennong, the inventor of agriculture and older brother to the Yellow Emperor, one of five legendary emperors who lived over 5,000 years ago, in an era predating the Xia Dynasty, the first historical dynasty of China. The historical ancestor is Jiang Ziya, who helped the Zhou Dynasty overthrow the corrupt Shang dynasty in the 11th century BCE. Later on, Jiang Ziya's grandson was given some land in Northern China called Lu, and from that plot of land he took his surname. And so the Lu family was born.

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/%E7%9B%A7

違う世界の人

って、シーちゃん言ってくれた。

実は正しくて、実はとてもFood for thoughtと思うわ

娟との付き合い、初めからそれを考えたけど、言葉のコンミュ、興味、好きなもの、彼女の若さ、短期の情熱、日本のことを・・・

逃げちゃ切れないのは、俺と日本の夢、俺の信じる道・・・本当にしたいことのは、この１２月、Alvinか友達と日本行く、雪積みの日本が見たい・・・例えメリクリとか、お正月の参拝とか、日本で過ごしたい。彼女と過ごすよりとか、それ考えたくない。

直ぐ参る夏祭りにも・・・俺、きれいな浴衣を着たり、人賑やかな町を歩いたり、祭りの店で遊んだりする・・・その予想の中には君はいない

正直言うなら、僕たちの世界は違う。俺、半分シンガポール、半分日本人・・・聞きにくいが、言い悪いが、もう音楽、食事、ドラマ、アニメ、服、祭り、買い物、生活の細かいことも、普通にシンガポール人とは違う。君と付き合い間、君に見せてる自分は、ただ半分のシンガポール人の俺、残る半分は、この身に隠れてる。それ、悲しいかな？

就

想你就哭了
这是一种很单纯，很自然的美

就像早晨青草片上的露珠
就像西沉的最后一点道光
就像晚上天空无暇的星星
就像下雨天泡的一壶热茶

就像喜欢你的感觉